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1) Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

2) Q: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? A: Feyoncé!!

3) I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

4) I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

5)Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant! Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don’t, and when he touches you vagina, say stop. Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop.

6) Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’!

7) Question: What does Dumbo do after taking a photocopy? Answer: He compares it with the original document for spelling mistakes!

8) It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?” “They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

9) Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.

10) Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.

11) boy whispers to his mom during a wedding* boy: “Mommy?” mom: “What?” boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?” mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.” boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?” hi low wedding dresses

12) How do you keep a man from drowning? Get his wife/gf off his back.

13) Fastest mode of communication – Tell a girl a rumor and take a promise to keep it a secret.

14) Man: Why are you beating your son-in-law so badly? He replies: I sent him a message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!

15) Boy texts his Girl “Honey, I can’t live without you! When will you come to me? “Here is the KILLING Reply -“Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?

16) I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!

17) Photographer: My secret of success is? ‘Think negative’!

18) I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!

19) My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!

20) It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

21) How Bedroom smells after marriages:

22) First 3 months – Perfumes and Flowers!

23) After 12 months – Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!

24) After 7 Years – Balms, Move and pain killers..
Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!

25) Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you… Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

26) Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

27) My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

28) If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

29) I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
0) Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.